the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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