He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
