oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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