I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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