i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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