I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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