I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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