They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
