You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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