Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
