I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
