my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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