Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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