his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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