My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests