Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
