I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
