Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
