I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
