I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
