Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
