so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
