He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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