Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
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Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.