new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
