i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
