before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
