Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
