no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
