He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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