i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
