I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
