I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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