it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just puked most of my soul out..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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