Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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