??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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