Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
