i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
