She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
