I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
