It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
