When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
