Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
