Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
