if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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