if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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