I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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