What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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