why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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