So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Randomize
