I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
