The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
