You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
