The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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