You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This is my gift to your gina
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
