So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
