The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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