The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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