I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
