you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
