dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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