just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
